Happy 12th birthday my sweet girl!

A week and a half ago, you turned the big 1-2!  It is your last year before you hit the teen years....ooohhhh goooooddddnneessssss! =)  As I sit here tonight with you tucked tightly into your bed, I have a million things I want to say but I can't seem to form complete thoughts (Maybe because I'm exhausted, but I can't put this off any longer so here goes!)  Part of me wants to cry that another year has gone by.  So much has changed in these last 12 months!  You have had a fabulous year!  You have played two more seasons of soccer and gotten sooo much better.  You have picked back up piano, which I am not sure if you will continue or not, but you set a goal and we try our hardest to make you guys reach those.  You said a little while back you didnt enjoy it much anymore, but we are not sure if it's because it got hard for you or what....so for now, you are still tugging along with it.  It makes me a little sad to think you might not play forever because you are so good at it and I enjoy listening to you practice while I am cleaning....because that's what I do most of the time....clean =)  We applied to the Middle Years Program at a different middle school than what we are zoned for last year before school let out and you got accepted.  We left the final decision up to you.  I mean, we had just moved, you made new friends right away at your new elementary school, and if you went to the new middle school, it would be totally new kids, since you werent zoned for it.  We gave you all the positives it had and the one negative of not knowing anyone and once again, 6 months later starting all over with friends.  You decided to go and you LOVE it!  It's a good haul for us, but your brother and sister are champs in the car there and back twice a day!  You made friends right away.  Your faith has been tested not only by another student this year, but also by a teacher.  (which should have never happened but God used it for His glory)  You stood your ground respectfully and we have probaly never been more proud of you!  You have grown spiritually so much in this last year!  I feel like we have had soo many conversations of whats appropriate and what's not at your age.  So many people your age aren't given restrictions and they are allowed to watch and listen to things that they shouldn't.  They are allowed to wear things that you'll never own. Girls are allowed to text boys and who knows what else.  Our deal with boys right now is yes, you can like a boy...We believe that is natural...but at this time, that is the extent of anything boy related.  We feel like as you get older, that part of your life will be more appropriate but as of now, we want you focusing on other things and not becoming completely obssessed with boys.  Too much of a good thing is bad and right now you are just learning who Darbie is.  We want you pursuing God, and not a boy.   My daily prayer is that you will know that this is for the best.  That there will come a time when you can watch certain things because you will understand more and you will be more mature.  As of now, you dont question us and you accept when we tell you "no".  I know this will probably change as you enter your teenage years but for now, I just smile and enjoy this moment.  Your taste in clothes haven't changed much in the last year.  You still L-O-V-E Justice, which is probably an understatement!  You are not afraid to wear something just because of where it comes from and I love that!  You are more into following clothing trends of what other kids are wearing...not necessarily trends, but you are more into brands that others are wearing.  And that's ok!  Some things we buy for you and others we make you buy yourself.....like the 50.00 underaumor hoodie you want right now... yeah, you are buying that one little girl! =)  You are still  your same sweet self.  You look out for others and you are still kind.  I pray this a a trait  you'll never loose.  We teach you to treat others the way you want to be treated and you do!  At the moment, you still love playing with Brylee.  Partly, I feel she has kept you "young".  You still play barbies, babies, and whatever else she wants to play.  I know these days are sooooo close to being over but I still enjoy you two playing together.  she looks up to you like you don't even know!  She truly misses you every single day you are at school.  Hudson loves you too! I'm not sure if he misses you yet though =)  Daddy and I are learning how to raise you.  You are our first and we have made a lot of mistakes and I am sure we'll make plenty more.  We sooo don't want you growing up, but at the same time we are sooo enjoying watching the spritiual, loving, laughing, sweet young lady you are becoming!  We know God has HUGE plans for your life! We pray that you always follow His lead in everything you do! 
 

You decided you would rather like to spend the weekend at Great Wolf Lodge instead of having a birthday party this year.  It partly made me sad becasue I love planning your birthday theme with you, but it was what you wanted and I enjoyed our weekend get away!  We had never been and decided to not take anyone else with us this time.  However, when we got there we found out that they had upgraded our room to a suite, which was amazing and roomy!  While  you, daddy, and Brylee were at the waterpark playing, I had to take Hudson to the room to get a nap in and during that time I called your bestfriend from school's mom to see if she could join us for the weekend.  You had no clue she was coming!  You enjoyed having her there with you and I have no clue how late you guys stayed up...However, I know you were passed out at 1:30 because from that point until almost 5 am, you brother thought it was party time and we were up.  Because Great Wolfe Lodge is pricey, we didnt take you to your choice of restraunt for your brithday dinner.  You wanted Captain Georges, which is an all you can eat seafood restraunt that is amazing delicisou and amazingly expensive!  Yes, you have expensive taste in clothes, jewelry, shoes, and food! =)  And purses...even though you dont even carry one you are already asking me for my coach purse when I am done with it! We had a pizza party in our room that night with specialized desserts for everyone!  You had a slize of red velvet cake, which is one of  your favorites, Brylee had a cooke, daddy and I shared a slice of cheese cake, and Caroline had a cup cake!  I am sad that I didnt get many pictures but we were having so much fun at the waterpark I didnt want to sit on the side with a camera...afraid of getting it wet =(  Here are a few that I do have!

The funny thing about this picture is we stumbled upon you guys in the hallway while we were trying to get in the room and you walked withint 5 feet of Caroline and never even noticed her!

Yes, your sister got you a My Little Pony card and you loved it!  You just better be glad I talked her out of the my little pony toy she wanted to get you for your birthday =)

You blowing out your candle!

 

All in all it was a fun, special weekend!  Everyone emjoyed themselves and we had a great time!

 

We love you so much and we are soo proud and honored that God saw us fit to be your mom and dad!

 

Love always

Mom and Dad

Being obedient

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUM86eL6tVw

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
'Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew


Thia is the song that started the yearn in my heart.  About a month ago, we were about to leave to take Darbie to school, and she asked me if we could take the Ipod and listen to Christmas music.  Normally, I'd said yes!  I LOVE Christmas music and we listen to it often in the car.  However, this morning, for what I thought to be an unknown reason, I said no.  I didnt know why I said no.  I had a conversation back and forth with myself about why I would tel lher no, but I did and I stuck with that decision.  About half wya to her school this song came on the radio.  Now, I have heard this song a million times and it never spoke to me the way it spoke to me that morning.  Tears immediately started streaming down my face.  I heard God ever so clearly that morning.  He was riding in the passenger seat and He and I were having a conversation.  I told him that we were not ready for another child.  The timing is wrong.  We don't have the money. Hudson is still nursing.  Hudson is still not sleeping the greatest.  Actually the night before that morning, we were up most of the night because Hudson wasn't sleeping.  I was laughing asking God,.... dont You see this?????  While our hands are blessed, they are also full at the moment.... Full with an 11 year old who is growing and becoming a young lady.....full  with an active 3 year old who is full of energy....and full with a now 1 year old who was at the time still nursing and who is still not sleeping the greatest.....God, WE are not ready yet.... someday.....someday we will be ready.....and He was consistently telling me "yes you are.  I will not ask something of you that you can not handle".... that is what I kept getting from Him that morning... Lean on me... I'll give you what you need....Depend on me....Rely on me.... Let me bless you like no one else can.....


I wiped my eyes and told Darbie to have a wonderful day and back home we went.... the thought kept nagging at me but I started believing that it was me just dreaming.... I did just not get a good nights rest... we were up most of the night... I was just sleepy....groggy....

I didn't say anything to anyone for about a week.  But God kept laying it on my heart....NOW NOW NOW is what I felt like he was telling me... I laughed one day and said Tim will shoot me if I bring this up to him....so I didn't... I let a few more days pass by and Tim had duty one night so I decided to email him everything... I'm better at writing than speaking my feelings sometimes and I didnt have to see the crazy look on his face as he was reading it!    So I sent him an email explaining just as I have here and I didnt get any response back from him... He came home the next day and said nothing about the email... .I said...."you see God... he thinks I am C-R-A-Z-Y!!!"  The night before Thanksgiving, I was sitting at the counter and he was in the kitchen and he looks over to me and nonchalantly says "have you ever thought that maybe we would adopt a child with special needs?"  I started with all of the statistics of special needs... all of the problems that could happen.... al lof the negatives when God stopped me dead in my tracks... "'Terra....this is not your plan...its Mine...."  Wow what a thought to slap you in the face... On Thanksgiving Day, I went to check the mail and there were two big enevelopes in there... As I was walking back to the ouse I looked at the return address label to see that they were from Bethany Christian Services... I said "Ok God, I get it!  I didnt order these... and I know Tim didn't....so we'll get on it... but lead us please!"  I got back to the house and told Tim that somehow we received some stuff from Bethany Christian Services....only to find that he had been doing a lot of research and had inquired about their services and had them send us information.... My husband, who I thought would think I was crazy, had already started the process of getting information.... God I love this man!

While we are still praying and are unsure of a lot of things, we want to be obiedient.  That is one thing that we have talked about and where we agree that we feel its the wrong timing, evidently God is telling us otherwise!  We always knew we wanted to adopt but we thought it would be later in life.

We ask that you pray with us as God leads us through this journey of adoption.  We don't know if He is telling us now is the time....or if He is telling us that this is not just something we've dreamed and thought about, but this is really going to happen.  If the timing is now, we don't know how we are going to pay for it.  so many unknowns but we know that we serve a faituful God.  We are terrified and excited all in one!  Pray that we are obedient to His word, His timing, His calling... We know that He already has a child for us!  Whether that child isn't born yet, or if he/she is already in this world just waiting on us to be obedient. 

This song has become a favorite in our house!!!

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=WDGYYGNX

Hudson turns 1!

Dearest little man,
I can't believe I am sitting here typing your one year birthday letter. You are tucked tightly in your bed fast asleep.  You are actually one year and 5 days old but I wanted to wait until your birthday party before I posted this.  It has been an amazing year with you buddy!  To think that daddy and I were not wanting any more children after your two sisters.  God knew what He was doing and He knew what kind of a blessing you were going to be to us!  I am sooo happy He saw daddy and I fit to be your parents!  I think back on the year we've had.  You were born on the 5th.  Our house was packed on the 7 and 8th of December.  We said goodbye to all of our friends in Charleston on the 11th of December and headed to VA to our new home state.  I have pictures of everyone in Charleston holding you.  They were there to watch you grow in mommy's tummy and they were there to welcome you into this world!  Mommy misses our friends from SC daily and I think of all of the friends you would have had there!  But, the US Navy called us to VA and we moved here and took on a whole new adventure.  You soon met people here that we now call our friends!  These people have watched you grow from just an infant and many love you like their own.  What's not to love about your big toothy grin??? 

Let's see...... you now have 5 teeth and we think you maybe working on your 6th.  You have three up top and two on the bottom.  I am in the process of weaning you completely.  We were down to just our nightly feeding until tonight and I decided the longer I waited, the harder it was going to be so tonight I fixed you a sippy of milk and went to rock you, but you would have nothing to do with that sippy.  You didn't fight me.  You took your paci and snuggled against my chest and fell fast asleep.  I hope you sleep through the night becasue right now I am worried that you are hungry.  You have gotten nursed at bedtime every single night since you were born.  (Either nursed or a bottle at bedtime)  So, hopefully you sleep all night and hoepfully the last weaning is as easy as it was tonight.  I was worried in the beginning of weaning you that you wasn't ready.  However, you have been a champ and have not looked back.  It kind of makes me sad but it also lets me know that it was me not ready instead of you not being ready.  We did it buddy!  We made it longer than I ever thought we would and I am soooo happy we did!

You weight 24 pounds and I'm not sure how tall you are right now.  You don't have your one year well baby until jan. 7th.  =(

You are babbling up a storm.  Yu can say mama, dada, bye, hi, and you've said Bry Bry on several occasions when looking at Brylee.  Tonight I said "all done" and you copied it clear as day!  You love talking and you love smiling!  You light up anyone you are around!  You have quickly become a daddy's boy and you love when he comes home from work!  You love boy toys, which amazes me....How do you know what boy toys are??? you have a house full of barbies??? =) 

You are still very tempermental and have a temper like nobody's business!  Daddy and I are still trying to figure out how to handle this temper of yours. 

You are the biggest cuddler and a huge flirt with the ladies!  Your big blue eyes and big handsome grin melts their hearts!

You love to play peek a boo!

You are full of personality and life!

This past year has been a huge blessing and I am soo happy and honored that I get to be called mommy!

Here are some pictures over the last year!

Just moments after you were born!

 

happy 3 months!

 

 

happy 6 months!

 

happy 9 months!

Happy 1 year birthday buddy!!!!!

We love you more than words can ever express!
Love always,
Mommy and Daddy

 

 

Do all good things come to an end???

Ad I sit here, I don't even know where to start.  Breastfeeding was a personal choice for me.  When I was pregnant with Brylee, I said I would give it a try and if it worked it worked and if it didn't, it didn't.  I wasnt going to loose sleep over it.  Well, she latched on first time and never had any trouble.  I nursed her until she was pushing 14 months and decided it was time to stop.  We never had any issues and I LOVED it!  When Hudson came along, there was no choice to make.  I knew I would breastfeed him and in my mind we wouldnt have any issues.  I knew what I was doing and had resrouces if he didn't latch on.  I was confident.  He was born at 4:16 pm and started nursing right away and nursed pretty much for the first 6 hours of his life.  He quickly became a professional nurser his first day of life!  As his first birthday is approaching oh so quickly and I'm thinking it's time to stop, I just want to cry.  My mind is ready but my heart is not.  How can you have such a love/hate relationship with something.....So we started out nursing and for the first 8 weeks of his life no one got any sleep.  He screamed and screamed and screamed.  When we finally got to VA and went to the doctor, the first thing she suggested was putting him on formula.  (Now, we LOVE our doctor, but she isn't a big supporter of bresatfeeding=()    I quickly told her that wasn't an option so we had to figure something else out....A few weeks later, we headed to the GI doctor for the first time.  After looking at his charts and examining him and listening to all we had to say, he told us that we probably wasnt dealing with reflux (which is what Tim and I thought it was) and we were probably dealing with food allergies.  And guess what he suggested.... yep, formula...and expensive formula at that!  Oh, and in between visiting our doctor for the first time and seeing the GI, I gave in one night and Tim and I headed to Target to get formula.  I cried most of the way to get it....hated standing there trying to pick from the 20 different brands and kinds...and I hated giving it to him... I was secretly happy when putting him on the formula made no difference in his screaming fits and sleepless days and nights...I kept pumping during this time to not loose my supply.  We quickly went back to soley nursing and there was a lot of crying coming from this mama.... Anways, back to the GI... he said our best bet was to put him on formula... When I bursted out in tears in his office he told me that I had given him 8 good weeks of nursing and thats more than a lot of babies get... yadda yadda yadda.... Then I started feeling liek what one of the best gifts God gave me for my baby wasnt adequate and why wasn't it good enough... what did it hurt him so badly... a million thoughts ran through my mind as I sat there staring at Tim wondering what he was thinking and wondering what really was the best thing for our precious son.  I quickly made up my mind that so be it if he had food allergies, I could do this.... The doctor told me it would be hard and most mothers didnt do it because of the strict diet I would have to be on.  My thoughts were if he did indeed have food allergies and didn't outgrow them, I would have to learn how to cook to suit him anyways, so why not give it a try now.  And it was hard!  For 6 weeks I went on an allergy free diet and then we had to add things in one by one to see if he reacted.  And when he did react, I felt like the worse mom ever. Anyways, we finally got everything figured out and was sailing smoothly again!

(Didnt mean to go off in that direction... I feel like some days I have ADD like nobody's business!)

So, back to bresatfeeding comind to an end...I have to say that during this past year, there have been days that I dreamed of stopping nursing.  I have wanted to be selfish and eat what I wanted.  I have craved chineese food like nothing else!  We've been to get togethers and I've looked at foods I couldnt have and just wished that I was done with this.  I didn't want him to grow up.  I didn't want to put him on formula.  I just wanted to be done nursing in that moment.  there have been nights when he has nursed every 2 hours and I was exhausted and wanted to stop.  He nursed ever hour and forty five minutes to every 2 hours until he was 8 months old.  I felt like I was an open buffet 24 hours a day.  I was half naked more than I've been dressed in this last year.  At times, I wished I could have moved to a nudist colony or to Africa, where it's the norm for woman to be able to just go free up top.  Tim has seen my chest more in this last year than the 6 years we have been married combined! And let me say  Hudson, he has loved you for that! =)  Although I do not want to be the next Time magazine cover mom, I am just not quite ready to give it up i don't think.  But, I probably will.  It's time for him to be a big boy and it's time for me to have me back.  I know I have given him a good 12 months of breast milk and that has been amazing, especially when there were days I didnt know how much longer I could do it.  I've made it!  When the GI doctor asked me at his 6 month check up how much longer I was going to do it and I said until he is one and he looked at me like I was crazy... I was sooo proud of myself when we were there last week and he asked if he was still nursing and I said YES!  He is starting to self wean during the day and he only nurses for a few minutes and feedings are pretty far between.  He sitll loves to nurse first thing in the mornings, and right before bed...and during the night when he has a rough night.  I am not ready to give up the fact that a boob in his mouth can fix anything!  He is a comfort nurser and I don't know if thats the boy in him or if it's just him.  I want to cry thinking that this is one constant thing he knows and it's all he knows and to think I am going to take this away from him makes me want to cry...He has been put on a prescrition milk until he is 18 months old and at that point we will try whole cow's milk.  We have started introducing him to this milk and he is doing ok with it in his sippy.  He is not fond of it in a bottle I dont think.  So here we are...it's so bittersweet to me to be coming up on ending this fabulous thing that I have loved and hated at the same time. 

Hudson, I look at you and i see how big you have gotten and how healthy you are and I know that I did the best thing I could have done for you.  Some of my most favorite memories will always be sitting in your room in the dark, listening to KLove, and nursing you.  Over this past year, you have gone from being an 8lb little baby that when I nursed you, your whole body was right in front of me to now being almost one and you wrap half way around me when I nurse you.  I am going to miss you getting excited when I pull my nursing cover out.  You get the biggest grin on your face and it cracks me up!  I am going to miss going into your room in the middle of the night and you can latch on in the dark with no problem and you instantly calm down and fall asleep.

I am not going to miss my diet restrictions.  I am hoping that you start sleeping through the night when  you are fully on your new milk.  Im not going to miss worrying about frozen milk when daddy and I are on a date.

I am scared because I don't even know how to begin weaning you.  I know it's going to be rough in the beginning.  are you ready?  am I ready? 

This has been the hardest year and it has been the best  year.  I wouldnt change a single decision I made with nursing you.

I love you buddy and I pray we transition through this new phase easily.

Hudson is 11 months!

I seriously can't believe Hudson was 11 months on Monday!  Buddy, you are growing soooo fast and learning something new everyday!  Today, you finally took off with crwaling... You have been tinkering with the idea for a few weeks but today at the doctor, you crawled accross the floor to get a Mr. Potato head!  Daddy and I were so excited!  And then tonight, you have crawled a few times to get soemthing you want!  You weigh 21 pounds.  You haved bye bye for the first time yesterday morning.  You can say hi, daddy, and mama when you want to.  You had a follow up with the pediactric gi doctor today and we figured out a few things.  As far as your allergies are concerned, eggs still both you severly!  You are handling mommy having small amounts of dairy, but we have noticed your excema has come back since I have been having it.  We don't know about soy but the doctor said to still lay off of it.  Since the flu shot has egg in it, he said to not give it.  We have to double check with your one year shots to see if any have egg or not, the doctor wasn't sure.  You are being put on a special kind of milk.  The doctor doesnt think you rae quite ready for cow milk.  Mommy is really struggling with thinking about ending our journey of breastfeeding but I am a little ready.  Maybe I am being selfish, but I am ready to have all of my foods back.  Part of me says you have gotten 12 good months of breastmilk and you are good to go.  The other part of me says this is all that you know and I want to hold on to this moment.... I am ready to get my body back but I am not ready to take what you know away from you =(  It really is hard.  You daddy is VERY supportive during the first 12 months, but after that not so much =)  Your sleeping is still different every single night.  Some nights you sleep great and other nights  you do not.  You LOVE to eat food but you are very tempermental with it.  If you are sleepy, we can give up trying to get you to eat food.  You are still a comfort nurser and I think that is one more thing that worries me about weaning you.  You are as handsome as ever and you are soo stinking funny!  Daddy and I think you are going to be a class clown as you get bigger.  You love when you make someone laugh!  You still adore your sisters and smile when they come in the room.  You and Brylee love to play together but she doesn't like you drooling on her toys and you get mad when she takes them away from you.  You now have 4 teeth... top2 and bottom 2!  Welp little man, I think that is about it for now!  I can't believe I am about to start planning your 1 year birthday! =(

Love,
Daddy and Mommy

Hudson is growing up!

Can you believe it... I've thoguht to blog without a month brithday =)  anyways, as I sit here and type, he is playing with a can of puffs and they are all over the floor... but I dont care because he is quiet and happy... I don't even care if it's quiet but the last few days he has been super cranky and irritable because he is cutting his two top teeth.  =(  Poor guy.  The botton two didnt give him much trouble at all but these top ones are being stinkers! 

Last night, daddy had to lower his crib mattress because he is now pulling up on it onto his knees and looking over the railing and I was afraid he was going to fall out on his head =(  where have these last almost 11 months gone to?  My little man is growing soooooo fast!  He is now scooting everywhere and crawling here and there... He can get to whatever he wants with no problem, whether it be by scooting, rolling, or some kidn of crawl/army crawl, belly flop when he's close to his wanted item =)

Darbie plays soccer!

Darbie just finished another season of soccer and I am so sad that I didn't take many pictures this season.  With Tim's work schedule being so crazy and me having to take 3 kids to soccer by myself, most of the time I was spent just getting us there on time!  But, I did get one or two of her last game!  I didn't get one of her scoring a goal because someone, I won't mention names, had to go potty and while we were in the bathroom Darbie scored! =(  some dad telling you your daughter scored while you were gone is something ever mom wants to hear....NOT!!!

Hudson trying to stay warm!

My beautiful little princess!

So no good action shots, but here's what I have!

A little blury but it's the only one I got of her with the ball!

This smile can melt anyone's heart!

My beautiful girl with her medal and award!