Ad I sit here, I don't even know where to start. Breastfeeding was a personal choice for me. When I was pregnant with Brylee, I said I would give it a try and if it worked it worked and if it didn't, it didn't. I wasnt going to loose sleep over it. Well, she latched on first time and never had any trouble. I nursed her until she was pushing 14 months and decided it was time to stop. We never had any issues and I LOVED it! When Hudson came along, there was no choice to make. I knew I would breastfeed him and in my mind we wouldnt have any issues. I knew what I was doing and had resrouces if he didn't latch on. I was confident. He was born at 4:16 pm and started nursing right away and nursed pretty much for the first 6 hours of his life. He quickly became a professional nurser his first day of life! As his first birthday is approaching oh so quickly and I'm thinking it's time to stop, I just want to cry. My mind is ready but my heart is not. How can you have such a love/hate relationship with something.....So we started out nursing and for the first 8 weeks of his life no one got any sleep. He screamed and screamed and screamed. When we finally got to VA and went to the doctor, the first thing she suggested was putting him on formula. (Now, we LOVE our doctor, but she isn't a big supporter of bresatfeeding=() I quickly told her that wasn't an option so we had to figure something else out....A few weeks later, we headed to the GI doctor for the first time. After looking at his charts and examining him and listening to all we had to say, he told us that we probably wasnt dealing with reflux (which is what Tim and I thought it was) and we were probably dealing with food allergies. And guess what he suggested.... yep, formula...and expensive formula at that! Oh, and in between visiting our doctor for the first time and seeing the GI, I gave in one night and Tim and I headed to Target to get formula. I cried most of the way to get it....hated standing there trying to pick from the 20 different brands and kinds...and I hated giving it to him... I was secretly happy when putting him on the formula made no difference in his screaming fits and sleepless days and nights...I kept pumping during this time to not loose my supply. We quickly went back to soley nursing and there was a lot of crying coming from this mama.... Anways, back to the GI... he said our best bet was to put him on formula... When I bursted out in tears in his office he told me that I had given him 8 good weeks of nursing and thats more than a lot of babies get... yadda yadda yadda.... Then I started feeling liek what one of the best gifts God gave me for my baby wasnt adequate and why wasn't it good enough... what did it hurt him so badly... a million thoughts ran through my mind as I sat there staring at Tim wondering what he was thinking and wondering what really was the best thing for our precious son. I quickly made up my mind that so be it if he had food allergies, I could do this.... The doctor told me it would be hard and most mothers didnt do it because of the strict diet I would have to be on. My thoughts were if he did indeed have food allergies and didn't outgrow them, I would have to learn how to cook to suit him anyways, so why not give it a try now. And it was hard! For 6 weeks I went on an allergy free diet and then we had to add things in one by one to see if he reacted. And when he did react, I felt like the worse mom ever. Anyways, we finally got everything figured out and was sailing smoothly again!
(Didnt mean to go off in that direction... I feel like some days I have ADD like nobody's business!)
So, back to bresatfeeding comind to an end...I have to say that during this past year, there have been days that I dreamed of stopping nursing. I have wanted to be selfish and eat what I wanted. I have craved chineese food like nothing else! We've been to get togethers and I've looked at foods I couldnt have and just wished that I was done with this. I didn't want him to grow up. I didn't want to put him on formula. I just wanted to be done nursing in that moment. there have been nights when he has nursed every 2 hours and I was exhausted and wanted to stop. He nursed ever hour and forty five minutes to every 2 hours until he was 8 months old. I felt like I was an open buffet 24 hours a day. I was half naked more than I've been dressed in this last year. At times, I wished I could have moved to a nudist colony or to Africa, where it's the norm for woman to be able to just go free up top. Tim has seen my chest more in this last year than the 6 years we have been married combined! And let me say Hudson, he has loved you for that! =) Although I do not want to be the next Time magazine cover mom, I am just not quite ready to give it up i don't think. But, I probably will. It's time for him to be a big boy and it's time for me to have me back. I know I have given him a good 12 months of breast milk and that has been amazing, especially when there were days I didnt know how much longer I could do it. I've made it! When the GI doctor asked me at his 6 month check up how much longer I was going to do it and I said until he is one and he looked at me like I was crazy... I was sooo proud of myself when we were there last week and he asked if he was still nursing and I said YES! He is starting to self wean during the day and he only nurses for a few minutes and feedings are pretty far between. He sitll loves to nurse first thing in the mornings, and right before bed...and during the night when he has a rough night. I am not ready to give up the fact that a boob in his mouth can fix anything! He is a comfort nurser and I don't know if thats the boy in him or if it's just him. I want to cry thinking that this is one constant thing he knows and it's all he knows and to think I am going to take this away from him makes me want to cry...He has been put on a prescrition milk until he is 18 months old and at that point we will try whole cow's milk. We have started introducing him to this milk and he is doing ok with it in his sippy. He is not fond of it in a bottle I dont think. So here we are...it's so bittersweet to me to be coming up on ending this fabulous thing that I have loved and hated at the same time.
Hudson, I look at you and i see how big you have gotten and how healthy you are and I know that I did the best thing I could have done for you. Some of my most favorite memories will always be sitting in your room in the dark, listening to KLove, and nursing you. Over this past year, you have gone from being an 8lb little baby that when I nursed you, your whole body was right in front of me to now being almost one and you wrap half way around me when I nurse you. I am going to miss you getting excited when I pull my nursing cover out. You get the biggest grin on your face and it cracks me up! I am going to miss going into your room in the middle of the night and you can latch on in the dark with no problem and you instantly calm down and fall asleep.
I am not going to miss my diet restrictions. I am hoping that you start sleeping through the night when you are fully on your new milk. Im not going to miss worrying about frozen milk when daddy and I are on a date.
I am scared because I don't even know how to begin weaning you. I know it's going to be rough in the beginning. are you ready? am I ready?
This has been the hardest year and it has been the best year. I wouldnt change a single decision I made with nursing you.
I love you buddy and I pray we transition through this new phase easily.
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